S@#% Managers Say...Part 2

Closing time with Manager and Training Manager:
*Manager drawing a "map"
Manager: "and this is Texas"
Me: "...so 4 Oklahoma's can fit in Texas?"
Manager (refining his map): "This is really Texas, that's Mexico." adding some details "that's Cancun, and there's Cozumel..."---note that Cancun and Cozumel are now on opposite sides of Mexico, with Cozumel being an island
Me: "Your Cancun looks like a penis. Is Cancun Mexico's penis?"
Manager: "...Yes, yes it is"

Another time with the same two managers:
Manager 1: "...and chingaleras means things..."
Manager 2: *nods "Ooohh" *chuckles
*note: manager 2 is hispanic and fluent in spanish
*note: for those who do not speak spanish please do not repeat that to your spanish speaking boss...it does not mean things

A conversation between me and the GM:
*note: I have recently dyed my hair to all one color (raspberry truffle to those who are curious) and it is a shade darker than my natural color with a little more red to it.
GM: "did you dye your hair?"
Me: "Yep, last Sunday."
GM: "it makes you look old..."
Me: *eyebrow raised waiting for her to continue
GM: " I mean...it looks good...real good, it just makes you look older..."
Me: "Thanks..." *changed the topic

S@#% Managers Say...

1.  "He's a good worker...the only days he can't work are Fri and Sat because he's got that religion. You know, that one where he can't work from sunset to sun-up...Oh, what's it called...I had a guy at (insert other location) that had it too."

2. Picture a person with a rag in their hand cleaning when a manager approaches: "A, today when your not busy I need you to do (hands over a list)"
Me: "OK, well GM, I have already done (check marks 3 of the 4 items off the list) and as you can see am half done with item four.
GM: "Oh. (looks at list, looks over what I have checked off) Oh."

I see no end to the shit that my managers say so stay tuned for more :-) ....Oh and my computer is fixed so I will be back on a more regular basis.

funtime...

a collaborative ode to our guests (may eventually be set to a beat but for now...):

My name is Sammy and I work at the I.P.
I don't make any money cause yalls always stiffin me
So order the herb grilled salmon not the soup and salad please
cuz they might just take my car if yall don't start tippin me.

This is Melissa, she's my service partner
Yall should stay home and watch Judge Wopner
cuz I know your gold toothed ass aint got a job;
and that gift card you've got? It's off someone that you robbed.

Dear Mr. Redneck take off your Nascar hat,
no you can't have a booth cause your ass is way too fat.
So please go to Mcdonalds and get it supersized
'cause we don't sell sweet tea and we're all outta fries

Hey you stupid gringo, we've got a party of twenty
here's your $1.72, now bring out the chicken alfredo.
Why hello Mr. Gomez, would you like limonada?
No, I'm sorry hombre we don't sell enchiladas
maybe you should try El Chico's down the street,
but while your here could you fix my car for cheap?


that's all we have got so far we are working on the rest of the stereotypes and I'll post them when we get them.

What have we done?!?

So I have always wanted to be the one to start some sort of panic amongst the masses so here it goes...What have we in the industry done to piss you off oh mighty restaurant gods??? We the faithful give you our blood, sweat, tears, and many layers of finger prints all for what?  You have deemed it necessary to send out the assholes and douche baggerists en masse.  Why?  Are we not faithful to nights of drinking and other debaucheries? What must we do to make this right, oh mighty lords of the faithful attendees in the biz?  Please show some mercy on us. Please allow us a glimmer of hope to get us through these dark times that will now and forever be known as the "June of perturbation"...

hmm...I don't think it will make any group of people panic......eh maybe next time

Love these mini-movies

this is freakin' hilarious!!!! i love these movies

You really want me to notice you? Fuck. You.

Before I go into vent mode let me just say that Dog Guy came in and I got to take care of him, which made my night (Yay!) Money wise tonight was bueno but once he sat in my section the night was fantastico. :-)    Now to the venting...

Evidently there are currently two or three sports tournaments in town. That's great for the old bank account so I'm not going to bitch about that because for the most part I've had decent guests....until tonight anyways. Two ladies sit down at the bar and one of them asked if they could get the spot wiped up...ok not a big deal it was just water from a glass being slid over that I hadn't had time to get to yet...so my partner wipes the spot for them while I grab their menus. Once I hand them the menus Dragon Lady goes to put her's down and rips it back up off the bar and makes the comment, "*snort of disgust* Come on! if you guys can't do better than this then I will just get a manager!"...umm Lady we keep our towel in a sani bucket instead of a pile somewhere on the bar because it's more sanitary. Not only that but we just wiped the spot you sat at (there was a clean and dry spot two chairs down that she could have chosen but whatever) so yes its going to still be a little damp (and damp is the key word, because since you chose to sit there we ring the towel out as good as possible). And lastly, you do not have to threaten to get my manager I would be more than happy to go get him so you can tell him how evil we are for not cleaning up the recently vacated spot immediately and how by using a towel it was still damp--just to let you know lady our busser's towels are absolutely disgusting they only get put in a sani bucket maybe three times during a shift...but if you would like I will get you one of those towels that have been used on multiple tables and highchairs without being rinsed out just so your spot can be nice and dry...............ok now back to the story, at this point I just raise my eyebrows at the threat and tell her that the best I can currently do is give her some napkins.  Now I understand that because I am a bartender that somehow means that I'm beneath you. I don't like it, but I can tolerate it. You will be the guest that gets ninja service and every time I go to the kitchen you will be called various animal/body part combos. I let the other bartender take point on her because hey I'm closing and don't have to deal with it.  I go back to well and start making all the server drinks that are coming in, once I get caught up I notice two ladies standing in the space next to Dragon Lady. I greet them and one tells me it's the others birthday. I tell her happy birthday and said, "since it's you b-day that means you want a lemon drop shot right?" she grins real big because that was evidently her drink of choice back in the day (score for me)  they also order various other drinks. I am in the process of making the order when the guest talking to her friend says something about how she wishes she had a different voice--now there really isn't anything wrong with her voice, it's just kinda on the loud side--and then Dragon Lady decides to open her mouth and comments, "yeah I agree. It is really annoying"---fuckin bitch I was thinking, on my face was pure shock; because why the fuck do you have to be so rude to someone who is obviously not staying at the bar just ordering drinks? the Birthday Lady looked at her to see if maybe lady was just joking or something and then this look of shock/hurt comes over her face...I'm really proud of Birthday Lady because all she did was say, "well I will be gone soon and you won't have to deal with me in your ear." and it was true all she was waiting on was her lemon drop. I almost wish she had pitched a fit then Dragon Lady would have gone bye-bye. Birthday Lady does end up walking away and sent her husband over to get her shot (which I immediately made as a double, sort of as my own apology)

Like I said, up until that point Dragon Lady was receiving ninja service from  me. Then you fucking bitch you screwed up my tip from Birthday Lady. Me and her were clicking enough that I know me and my partner would have split at least five. You, ass-fucking-cunt, dropped my tip down to a measly $2. You fuck with my money I don't pay attention to you. It really is that simple. My partner is the one who actually is taking care of you so I know you will still get service but you don't exist in my world anymore.

After witnessing that I was really irate--I've calmed since (yeah this is me  more calm)--I saw my manager walk by and I hollered his name; when he came back to the bar window I told him that I needed to speak with him in the kitchen in about five.  Then came the Keystone Barkeeps. I broke a bottle of Martin&Rossi Asti. We get that cleaned and we both go into the kitchen grab all the things we need to take care of various guests. We each go grab a tray, I got stuck telling the manager in the kitchen what just happened--because if Cuntalicious Dragon Lady is gonna complain the manager will know what the hell is going on before they get there.  I come into the bar just in time to see S drop his tray of food--all over him. I can't help it I started laughing, every single guest is laughing except for Dragon Lady and her friend (it's not their food that fell, it's the tray I'm carrying) I put my tray down and tell S that I'm going to go get the stuff he just dropped and here is his tray of food--at the time I didn't know for sure it was Dragon Lady's but time wise it matched up to when her order should have been coming out--I go back to the kitchen and grab the soup and bread sticks he just dropped and when I get back to the bar the food is still on the tray on the back part of the bar. I gave him his soup and bread but instead of passing out the food that's still sitting on the tray I decide to clean up the mess on the floor which means that I get to go back to the kitchen and grab a broom and dust pan (I'm completely safety conscious--Fagioli soup is a slip hazard and blah blah) I come back in Dragon Lady had her food (I hope you enjoyed seeing it sit there bitch) and we get the mess cleaned up. When S threw some water on the floor and the broke glass bucket falls over. Seriously, it was a good twenty minutes of just cleaning stupid shit. So we now get that cleaned up and S is bringing over another bottle to put in our bucket when it somehow slips out of his hand and smashes on the other side of the bar. Luckily we had some regulars sitting there so they just make big jokes out of it.  Between me and them we grounded S from going near the door to the kitchen or carrying anything. I went back to the kitchen grabbed the broom and dustpan to clean the bar again.  And that's that for the Keystone Barkeeps.  Dragon Lady decides on desert so S is getting that and I get desert for another party. When we both are in the kitchen we hear the backdoor bell ring, he looks at me and I said, "I'm so not dealing with that bitch in there we'll both go smoke and I will just ask C to watch the bar for us." C agrees once I give her the rundown and while we're smoking she asks Dragon Lady if she needs anything--no but then Dragon Lady tells C, "thanks for acknowledging us"

I realize this is a dig on me. I refuse to, remember you cost me money you no longer exist and I'm pretty sure S started ninja serving your rude ass. And even if he hasn't started that we just spent 30 min breaking/dropping/and cleaning up the messes (but evidently we did that on purpose *eye roll*). Our manager that was working the kitchen came up around then and cashed Dragon Lady out, and I guess our performance was so stellar she decided not to tip--no surprise anyways.

As far as nights go it was a good shift, even with that fiasco we each still made 50; and i broke a bill before the end of it.

haha

Hosted tonight, sometimes you just gotta love the job...anyway Avatar comes up to me and says, "I don't know if it matter or not but the person my table is waiting on is Himalasian....Malaysian...? " I'm sitting there busting out laughing brought tears to my eyes.....Thank you Avatar I really needed that.